Monday, March 19, 2007

Wizard World L.A. 2007 Photo Blog

This past weekend, my friend Paul and I checked out the Wizard World convention at the Los Angeles Convention Center. It was smaller and more personal than the San Diego Comic-Con. And unlike the Comic-Con, Wizard World was actually centered around comic books.

Wow, look at all the people waiting in line for Wizard World? No, wait -- those people are in line for "American Inventor," hoping to get on TV and let Simon Cowell mock their idea for a cat hair remover or a one-legged lawn chair. How rare to see a group of people that comic book geeks can look at and say, "Wow, what a bunch of losers."

"Excuse me, have you seen the line for Wizard World? Hello?"

"Welcome to Wizard World. Please walk right on in. Ignore the spinning blades and the carcass trough."

"Oh my god, lady, look out behind you! It's H.R. Giger not getting any royalties!"

Ah, booth babes. Beautiful, beautiful booth babes.

The Xenomorph is wearing sneakers.

The Marvel Booth. Was there even a DC booth? I don't remember it. Does DC even still make comics? Does Matter-Eater Lad have his own title?

"Hey, anybody seen Optimus Prime? Ni**a owes me fifty bucks!"

The HeroClix figure for Fin Fang Foom, He Whose Limbs Shatter Mountains and Whose Back Scrapes the Sun. That's the Thor figure facing off against him.

More HeroClix action.

Pirates of the Spanish Main collectible card game, where you assemble your own little pirate ships.

The HorrorClix Alien vs. Predator game. The Alien Queen detaches from her egg sac to devour her enemies.

Paul Ang checks out the new HeroClix figures.

Paul's Storm, Psylocke and Marrina gang up on my Hulk. Cowards! Hulk smash!

PLAYSTATION 3 on display.

The Atomic Comics van. Sweeeeet.

The Galactus Kubrick. He will eat your planet, if it is small and square.

"Battlestar Galactica" MimiMates. Front row, from left: Starbuck(?), Admiral Cain, Admiral Adama, Colonel Tigh, Lt. Dualla, Starbuck, Apollo. Back row: a bunch of Cylon Centurions, with Number 6 in the middle.

Evolution's recently-released "MotorStorm."

Karaoke! Good thing there were some teenage girls around, who might be interested in that sort of thing.

The tabletop gaming area. Very popular.

Wanna buy some DreamBlade figures? $18 each? (DreamBlade is a great game, though.)

How did I live a full and complete life, before I could hang pastel drawings of the stars of "Heroes" on my wall?

Comic books and action figures. What else do you need?


"Hulk not like statue of Hulk. Hulk not like magic purple pants."

I totally fell in love with this Fujiko Mine pachinko machine. I offered the guy $200 for it, but he wouldn't go lower than $280. I should have paid it.

So the HeroClix people had a raffle, for the chance to buy a Fin Fang Foom figure for $90. Paul and I both entered, and we both won. So Paul was able to buy two figures, each of which came these other fabulous free prizes.

Here's Fin Fang Foom in his box.

Fin Fang Foom fully assembled.

Did Marvel's writers really think that "Fin Fang Foom" was a realistic Chinese name?

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Thursday, January 18, 2007

Avataritoria, GBT's MMORPG Blog

Hey Kuno, you haven't been blogging. Why is that?

I have been blogging. But I've been busy setting up and running GBT's new blog dedicated to all things MMO, Avataritoria. Check it out! NOW!

Don't worry, my attention shall turn back to the Kendo Club very soon.

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Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Today in Gaming 19.12.06

Welcome to “Today in Gaming,” GBT’s daily roundup of general gaming news, rumors, and interesting linkage. If you enjoy “Today in Gaming,” or notice any cool news or links we should cover, mention it in the forum below, or email webmaster(@)

If you don’t like this new feature and wish to complain, please write your opinions on a white, unlined 3x5” card (hand printed, no cursive), and mail it to The Embassy of the United States to Ulaanbaatar/Mongolia, P.O. Box 1021, Ulaanbaatar-13, Mongolia.

Sony to Offer UMD Movies as Downloads
With movie studios and retailers no longer supporting the PlayStation Portable’s UMD movie format, Sony is planning to offer PSP-compatible movies for download. The movies will have to be downloaded on a PC, and then transferred over.

Of course, the PSP already plays MPEG-4 video. So the whole effort seems pretty pointless.

Time Magazine’s Overhyped Failures of the Year: “Snakes on a Plane,” O.J.’s Book, PLAYSTATION 3
In an article called “5 Things That Went From Buzz to Bust,” venerable MSM juggernaut Time Magazine prematurely but accurately describes the total failure of the PLAYSTATION 3.

From the article: The big story in computer games this year was HOW TO BLOW A HUGE LEAD, by Sony. Its PlayStation 2 was the champ in the last round of the console wars. This time Sony bet on a chip called the Cell and a disc format called Blu-ray. They're probably awesome, but how would anybody know? The PS3 is hideously expensive--it goes for up to $600--and Sony manufactured only a piddling few hundred thousand for the U.S., fewer for Japan. Plus it's hard to write games for; the launch titles were lame. You know you're in trouble when you get beat by something called a Wii.

They forgot to mention Sony’s insulting arrogance toward their own customers, or the fact that the console’s name is YELLING at us. Check back soon in the forum below, where Sony super-fanboy djWHEAT will cut me a new one.

It seems even Sony recognizes their new system is just too expensive – but they’re spinning it as a selling point. Maybe they are taking lessons in self-delusion from the Bush administration.

Lawyers Find Out About Wiimote; Personal Responsibility Surrenders
To no one’s surprise, a class action lawsuit against Nintendo has been announced, over the “defective” wiimote strap. The fact that you really have to be a dumbass to break your wiimote strap will not enter into the equation, of course.

One wonders is the law will change to require safety straps for baseball bats, marching band batons, conductor's wands and lightsaber replicas. Maybe pencils and soda straws, too. Hell, let's just ban holding things in hands altogether. All because some woman in the farm belt got too excited and bonked her kid on the head with a two ounce piece of plastic. Think of the children!

"Burning Crusade" Contains a Musical Sequence

No, really.

Kotaku makes it sound like it’s a Broadway musical number. It is kind of funny, though.


Fox Announces "Firefly"-themed MMORPG

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Captain> Mal] Alright, there’s no getting’ around this. There’s Reavers on the other side of that door.

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Mercenary> Jayne] Wuh de ma.

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Engineer> Kaylee] We’re all gonna die! And I ain’t shtupped the Doctor yet!

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Medic> Simon] What!??

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Captain> Mal] Keep your heads! We can do this. It ain’t no worse than the Battle of Serenity Valley –

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Mercenary> Jayne] Aw man --!

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Engineer> Kaylee] Cap’n!!

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<First Officer> Zoe] Sir, I don’t think this is the time --

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Captain> Mal] I remember, I tol’ that young browncoat we was too pretty to die…

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<First Officer> Zoe] Sir, this is no time to reminisce about past victories –

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Mercenary> Jayne] You lost that battle. And the war.

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<First Officer> Zoe] We need a plan, sir.

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Captain> Mal] Right.

[Party Chat] [<Captain> Mal] Wash!

[Serenity Bridge] [<Pilot> Wash] Grrrr! Grrrr! I’m a dinosaur!

[Party Chat] [<Captain> Mal] Wash! Get on party chat!

[Party Chat] [<Pilot> Wash] WTF???

[Party Chat] [<Captain> Mal] Can we just fly ourselves outa this gorram mess?

[Party Chat] [<Pilot> Wash] No way, Captain. It’d take at least 30 seconds to fly out of this deadspace instance. We ain’t got the shields to survive that long.

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Captain> Mal] Kaylee, I thought we earned a Shield Upgrade 1 in the Niska’s Skyplex instance.

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Engineer> Kaylee] Yeah, Cap’n, but a Firefly-class ship ain’t got the slots for it. And since you refuse to upgrade ---

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Captain> Mal] It’s the name of the show!

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Companion> Inara] Let’s worry about the Reavers, alright?

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Captain> Mal] Oh look, the whore has an opinion!

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Companion> Inara] Excuse me, I have 62 points in trained abilities, including four dots in Space Combat Tactics. What do you have again?

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Mercenary> Jayne] And ten dots in sucking a man’s yáng dào.

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Companion> Inara] <Inara glares at Jayne and rolls her eyes>

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Medic> Simon] This is no time for emotes! I have no combat skills at all!

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Mercenary> Jayne] Yeah, why’d we bring him along again?

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<First Officer> Zoe] He buys tons of Alliance credits from Chinese gold farmers on eBay.

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Shepherd> Book] This situation reminds of the Parable of the Lesbian Wiccan. One day when Willow was studying in the school library, --

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Captain> Mal] /ignore book

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Captain> Mal] Alright, here’s what we’re gonna do, and y’all listen up! Jayne, equip that Blue Sun Railgun IV we got on Bellerophon.

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Mercenary> Jayne] Now we’re talkin’!

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Captain> Mal] Zoe, click on me and gimme the Sycophantic Follower buff, and make sure your Dual Wield is on. Wash, I know you think it’s OOC, but get some armor on and grab a gun. Inara, make sure you got Exude Eroticism and Sarcastic Putdown set to function keys. Doc, stay back and give healing buffs, but watch for ranged attacks. Kaylee, give everyone the Indomitable Spirit buff, and test for tech weaknesses when we get inside the Reaver ship. Jayne, give Kaylee the Kevlar Armor II.

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Engineer> Kaylee] I’m an Engineer. I can’t wear Kevlar Armor until level 20.

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Captain> Mal] Taikong suoyou de xingqiu saijin wo de pigu! Wait, what about the Blue Hands buff? That adds 100 armor points.

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Engineer> Kaylee] That’s Alliance Faction only, Cap’n! Lovable Libertarian Space Pirate Faction can’t use it.

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Captain> Mal] Fine. Here. Open your inventory, take my Leather Duster IV. I’ll rely on Zoe’s Take the Bullet buff.

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<First Officer> Zoe] I would die for you, sir.

[Party Chat] [<Pilot> Wash] Zoe, can we talk in Marriage Chat please?

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Captain> Mal] Alright. We Stealth and use the crates and cows for cover. When the cargo bay door pops, we left click on the Reavers and wait until they come within range of Inara’s Situational Discomfort. But everyone stay within 15 feet of me, or you lose my leadership buffs. And most importantly, --

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Sexy Superheroine> River] LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEROY JEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNKINS!!!!!!!!!!!

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Captain> Mal] Nooooo!

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Mercenary> Jayne] Wuh de ma!!!!

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Medic> Simon] There’s Reavers spawning everywhere! Don't let them aggro!

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Engineer> Kaylee]Oh, Simon! Do me before we die!

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Medic> Simon] What's the key for that?

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Shepherd> Book] I’m dead!

[Serenity Bridge] [<Pilot> Wash] I’m dead too!

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Companion> Inara] Well, you guys weren’t gonna survive the movie anyway.

[Serenity Cargo Bay] [<Captain> Mal] River! Gorram psychotic little --- you ruined the raid!

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Sunday, November 26, 2006

If “The Lord of the Rings” Had Been Written By a Game Developer

If “The Lord of the Rings” Had Been Written By a Game Developer
By Erik Even

Frodo Baggins of the Shire stooped over in Farmer Maggot’s field and harvested another mushroom cap. As long as he moved slowly, and did not creep into their line of sight, the farmer’s mean old hounds, Grip, Fang and Wolf, would remain asleep under a nearby willow tree.

The hobbit stowed the newly-purloined mushroom cap and started off in search of another. He had been sneaking about for hours, collecting as many of the fungi as he could find. When he returned to Bag End, he would be able to trade the mushroom caps for another Vial of Galadriel.

Locating another mushroom cap near the same pond where Frodo once harvested Watcher in the Water Scales, the halfling attempted to put the tiny toadstool in his bag. But alas! His inventory was full, and there was no room!

Frodo pawed through his collection of rabbit skins, warg’s teeth, caskets of Longbottom Leaf, Lesser Elven Rings, Second Age Blades, Evenstar Necklaces, Balrog’s Claws and Gollum Dung, looking for something he could discard. But a noise drew the hobbit’s attention to the east.

Someone was coming over the ridge, from the direction of the Stock-brook. Frodo armed himself, brandishing Andúril in his own field of view, to the lower right. But the blade did not glow, for the newcomer was no enemy.

“Why, it’s old Gandalf,” Frodo said to himself. The hobbit had not seen the wizard for almost six months, since that night at Bag End when the wizened conjurer had revealed to Frodo the terrifying secret of his uncle’s Ring.

“Confound it, you miserable little creature!” the wizard yelled, advancing on Frodo with his gray robes billowing around him. “I have been across Eriador and back looking for you! When I could not find you at Rivendell, Glorfindel, Aragorn and I searched The Wild for months! When I heard you had never arrived at Crickhollow, I feared the worst!”

Leaning heavily on his old staff, the wizard peered, exasperated, down at the hobbit. “What are you doing still in the Shire?”

“Collecting mushroom caps and athelas leaves,” the hobbit replied. “If I collect enough athelas leaves, I can trade them in at Michel Delving for Mithril Vests. And then I turn in the Mithril Vests to the dwarf at the North Farthing Stone, and he ---“

“Athelas leaves? Mithril Vests?” the wizard burst out, huffing and puffing. “What is this nonsense? Did you hear nothing I told you? Sauron seeks the One Ring! The Nine are abroad, searching for ‘Shire’ and ‘Baggins!’ We agreed that you would flee The Shire by September!”

“Yes, but I could not leave The Shire with nothing but the waistcoat on my back,” Frodo replied. “By training in the art of tanning and making leather breeches, I was able to earn enough gold to buy this excellent Dwarf Helm from Fatty Bolger ---“

But Gandalf was no longer listening, his attention drawn to Frodo’s shining blade. “By the Holy Silmarils! Is that the blade of Isuldur reforged? How --?”

“Silmarils?” Frodo asked, rummaging through his sack. “I have four or five of those here. Barliman Butterbur trades them for Miruvor Vials when you go to the Prancing Pony to heal.”

“Frodo!” Gandalf cried, as the old man rose up suddenly proud and strong like an elf king of old. “The armies of Mordor stand at the gates of Minas Tirith! Rohan has fallen, and Erebor is is besieged! The hour is late, and the Ring must be destr—is that really a Silmaril?”

The Halfling held aloft the holy jewel, which gave off the clear white light of a thousand stars.

“Sure,” Frodo said. “I’ll trade it for your staff.”

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The 20 Sexiest Sci-Fi Babes Part 2

Be sure the read part one.

Max Guevera10. Max Guevera (“Dark Angel” 2000-02)

I could make all kinds of inappropriate jokes about a girl with spliced-in cat DNA, but I’ll restrain myself.

I don’t have to tell you that Max, aka Government Experiment X5-452, was hot – she was played by Jessica Alba, who takes hot to a new level not possible under the standard laws of physics. (Hey, I know! Let’s cast her as Invisible Girl!) But the show was kind of centered on Max being sexy, as well as kicking ass. Sort of like a futuristic, Seattle-based Abercrombie & Fitch ad. Maybe Max would go out with me if I could score her some tryptophan. (Wait, the tryptophan prevents her from going into heat? Never mind.)

Lana Lang9. Lana Lang (“Smallville” 2001-Present)

Yeah yeah, you’re with Clark, you’re not with Clark, you’re with him, you’re not, with, not, with, not, then you find out he’s Superboy, you die, come back, and Lex gets you pregnant. It’s too much drama, Lana. Especially since he’s just gonna move to Metropolis and fall for Lois. You’ve got that Chinese-Dutch thing working for you, Lana. You’re gorgeous. Work it. Find yourself a real human male, not some Aryan übermensch from space.

Rose Tyler8. Rose Tyler (“Doctor Who” 2005-06)

One day she’s a poor London shopgirl living in a council flat with her overbearing mother and shiftless boyfriend; the next, she’s a time-traveling Universe-saving inter-galactic superheroine. How does a girl pull it off? By batting her beautiful eyes at any Time Lord who wanders by, of course.

Rose is smart, funny, vivacious, and in love with The Doctor, although the two of them never want to admit it. And it doesn’t hurt that she’s played by Billie Piper, the British Britney Spears.

Theora Jones7. Theora Jones (“Max Headroom” 1985-88)

The United Kingdom takes four of the top twenty (and an honorary fifth for Trillian?). As Edison Carter’s brainy and beautiful controller/sidekick/partner/love interest, Theora Jones was guardian angel to Network XXIII’s star reporter. If you were a geek in the 1980s, then Theora Jones was your ideal woman. As Max headroom would say, “I-I-I-I-I-I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crack-crack-crackers!”

Kaylee Frye6. Kaylee Frye (“Firefly” 2002, “Serenity” 2005”)

“Goin' on a year now I ain't had nothin' twixt my nethers weren't run on batteries!” You know, Kaywinnit Lee, if’n that tree stump of a doctor ain’t gonna help y’all out in that respect, I reckon’ I might be willing ta fill in there.

Little Kaylee is as much the heart of Serenity as the ship’s photon-reaction drive. But the plucky, homily-spouting cutie is apparently a wildcat in the sack as well. She’s the one ship’s engineer with whom I’d like to get trapped on an island. Sorry, Scotty.

Kara Thrace5. Kara Thrace (“Battlestar Galactica” 2003-Present)

They said a woman couldn’t be a cigar-chompin’, bar-brawlin’, whiskey-chuggin’ hotshot Viper pilot. Well, by “they” I mean Dirk Benedict. Dirk, you have officially had your ass handed to you.

In a stellar ensemble cast, Katee Sackhoff’s Kara Thrace is first among equals. It’s not just that she’s incredibly sexy – she shares screen time with Boomer, Six and Xena the Warrior Princess. Kara kicks ass and takes names in every way the original Starbuck did – PLUS she’s clever, bitter, loving, conflicted, and secretly paints pictures. She’s neither the stereotypical kick-ass superheroine, nor the stereotypical kick-ass superheroine who is secretly fragile. She’s the kick ass superheroine who is secretly fragile, but will never let that fragility take her down. Not ever.

Seven of Nine4. Seven of Nine (“Star Trek: Voyager” 1997-2001)

Who would Annika Hansen have been if she hadn’t been assimilated by The Borg at the age of six? A big fat nobody, that’s who! Well, maybe not big and fat – on a typical Federation diet, she would have been at least Jeri Ryan-hot. But she would never have been Seven of Nine-hot! There’s nothing like a skin-tight gray jumpsuit and a metal eyebrow to turn a guy’s crank.

Sure, Seven was emotionally unavailable, but that was just because of her alien upbringing. Also, if your only choices were the “men” of Voyager, you might choose chastity as well. Yikes. No wonder she only hung out with the Doctor.

Jean Grey3. Jean Grey (“X-Men” films 2000-2006)

First let’s get something straight. The real Jean Grey committed suicide in “The Uncanny X-Men” #137 in 1980. Every issue since then with “Jean Grey” in it is a PACK OF LIES.

That said, Famke Janssen’s Jean Grey in the “X-Men” films is its own, separate character, and that character is amazing. Call it the superheroine who is openly, obviously, heart-breakingly fragile. You just want to run over to her and wrap your arms around her, even if it means, a la Brett “Let’s destroy the franchise” Ratner, she’ll disperse you into millions of colored CGI chunklets. If there’s another “X-Men” movie, let’s hope this time they do bring Jean Grey back from the dead.

Oops, that was a spoiler. If you haven’t seen “Last Stand,” don’t read that last sentence.

Sharon Valeri2. Sharon Valeri (“Battlestar Galactica” 2003-Present)

Grace Park plays three characters on BSG.

There’s Athena, who the producers call Sharon and fans call Caprica-Boomer. She’s Helo’s wife, and mother of the Cylon Miracle Baby. She lives on Galactica.

Then there’s the one the producers call Boomer and fans call Galactica-Boomer. She was in love with the Chief, shot Adama, and teamed up with Caprica-Six to “save” humanity. Now she lives on a base star.

Finally, there’s Number 8, which is all the other thousands of Sharons, who always call Athena a traitor.

And I am in love with all of them. Even the ones that would kill me.

Leeloo1. Leeloo (“The Fifth Element” 1997)

The perfect woman, the Supreme Being. That’s Milla Jovovich. No, sorry, I mean Leeloo, a.k.a. Leeloo Minai Lekatariba-Laminai-Tchaii Ekbat De Sebat, a.k.a. The Fifth Element.

Is it the orange dreads? The pale blue-green eyes? The perfect body? The Gaultier outfits? The adorable accent? The martial arts? The saving the Earth from the Ultimate Evil?

Out of all the science-fiction female ass-kicking secretly-fragile alien super-powered hotties, Leeloo is the ultimate. The perfect prototype. The geek’s ideal mate. Sigh. Too bad she doesn’t exist.

Be sure to read part one!

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Tuesday, November 21, 2006

The 20 Sexiest Sci-Fi Babes Part 1

Well, these top ten lists seem to be real popular. So after winnowing down a long list, here are my top 20 sexiest sci-fi babes from live-action film and television.

When you're finished, be sure to read part two!

Carmen Ibanez20. Carmen Ibanez (“Starship Troopers” 1997)

Okay, sure, you couldn’t buy Denise Richards as a tank-top-and-hot-pants-wearing nuclear physicist in “The World Is Not Enough.” But as a hotshot starship pilot and, eventually, captain? Sure, why not?

One of the main plot points of Heinlein’s original novel was that all the experienced officers were killed off, leaving only the kids in charge. And at least Carmen had the sense to dump goofy hunk Casper Van Dien for slightly-less-goofy hunk Patrick Muldoon – right? And she did look spectacular in those Nazi-esque uniforms.

Padmé Amidala19. Padmé Amidala (“Star Wars” prequels 1999-2005)

It speaks volumes to the utter asexuality of the six Star Wars films that the hottest moments are (1) Princess Leia in the gold bikini and (2) Princess Leia’s mom with her tummy exposed. Yikes.

Formerly the World’s Sexiest Jew (but knocked down to third by Rachel Weiss and Scarlett Johansson), young Harvard-educated hottie Natalie Portman was the only reason to see the Star Wars prequels, apart from Ewan McGregor’s amusing Alec Guinness impersonation. Padmé is beautiful, smart, and takes full advantage of her planet’s inexplicable custom of electing teenage girls to rule over them.

Why doesn’t she rate higher on the countdown? (1) Her atrocious taste in men and (2) inexplicably dying of “grief” and abandoning her kids to be raised by Jimmy Smits and Phil Brown, respectively (both of whom get killed by the Empire for their trouble, by the way.)

Jet Girl18. Jet Girl (“Tank Girl” 1995)

I knew who Naomi Watts was seven years before any of you did. So back off.

“Tank Girl” is one of the great bad movies, and Jet Girl was the best reason to watch. Tank Girl’s young, sexy, Aussie-accented sidekick in the aviator goggles and read polka-dot bandana was naïve, but kicked ass. Lori Petty as Tank Girl was great, but Jet Girl stole the show. (No love for Sub Girl, but she was mostly edited out anyway.)

Sil17. Sil (“Species” 1995)

If woman is going to rip your heart out and leave you a lifeless husk, she might as well look like Natasha Henstridge. Hell, even in her H.R. Giger-designed alien form, the murderous human-alien hybrid Sil was pretty hot. The best thing about Sil was that she didn’t want to be a homicidal sex machine – she was just cloned that way. Giger’s usual “Metamorph” “Alien”-franchise alien rarely elicits sympathy, but Sil was just too cute to eject out the airlock.

Mystique16. Mystique (“X-Men” franchise 2000-2006)

Sci-fi makeup often takes a beautiful actress and ruins what Darwin gave her. I’m looking at you, Marina Sirtis. The “X-Men” movies feature Dutch-American supermodel Rebecca Romijn running around NAKED, but no one really notices her under all that blue paint and latex. But Raven “Mystique” Darkholme still kicks ass and takes names, as Magneto’s ever-loyal and efficient sidekick. (I know, they turn on each other in “Last Stand,” but I’m pretending that movie never happened – shelve it with “Star Trek V.”) She’s smart, she’s dangerous, she’s bisexual, and her eyes glow yellow. Plus, when she takes “human” form, it’s as Rebecca Romijn! And as far as I know, Mystique never let John Stamos stick his penis in her.

Space Girl15. Space Girl (“Lifeforce” 1985)

“Lifeforce” is one of the great underappreciated science fiction films of all time, Tobe Hooper’s 1985 paean to old-school Sci-Fi horror classics like “The Quatermass Experiment.” Astronaut Steve Railsback is seduced by alien space vampire Mathilda May, who desires only to feed on the bioelectric energy of every person in London. The Space Girl doesn’t have much of a personality, but she spends the whole movie stark naked and has one of the most amazing racks in cinema.

Oh, and she gets to melt Patrick Stewart’s face.

Mrs. Emma Peel14. Emma Peel (“The Avengers” 1965-67)

A master of martial arts and fencing. A trained chemist and scientist. A painter, sculptor, and businesswoman. A high couture fashionista with the looks of a supermodel. Oh and, incidentally, an international superspy. What’s not to love about Mrs. Emma Peel? Well, she did give up espionage to go live a respectable life with her husband. Please. Once you’ve had Steed, he’s all you’ll ever need.

Ensign Robin Lefler13. Robin Lefler (“Star Trek: The Next Generation” 1991)

Second-most annoying “Star Trek” character of all time Robin Lefler, meet most-annoying “Star Trek” character of all time, Wesley Crusher. Now flirt awkwardly for 52 minutes.

Still, Robin Lefler was by far the sexiest woman to ever appear on “Star Trek: The Next Generation,” because Ashley Judd was by far the sexiest actress to ever appear on “Star Trek: The Next Generation.” Maybe Mr. Data can explain how Judd can be so unbelievably beautiful, while her mother and sister look like lab experiments.

Anyway, one can assume that Ashley Judd would have a much easier time getting cast in a “Star Trek” film than poor, beleaguered, underappreciated Wil Wheaton. Robin Lefler’s Rule #2: Always look smoking hot in a Starfleet uniform.

Xev Bellringer12. Xev Bellringer (“LEXX” 1997-2002)

As proved by numbers 17, 16, 15, 10, 5, 4, sometimes 3, 2 and 1 on this list, there is something incredibly appealing about a super-sexy female who is as likely to kill you as sleep with you. And when that female was raised to be socially submissive but sexually aggressive, and then transformed by a machine called a “Lusticon” into a beautiful sexual killing machine – well, you can’t go wrong there. Zev was the second of LEXX’s “Bellringers,” but Xenia Seeberg can ring my bell any day. Get it? "Ring my bell?" It's kind of a sexual innuendo.

Tricia 'Trillian' McMillan11. Trillian (“The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” 2005)

Ah, Zooey Deschanel. Sure, she’s cute and smart and funny. But why is she so damn hot? She’s like Rachael Ray – you can’t explain the attraction, it’s just there.

Now turn Zooey into a smart space-trotting sidekick to a two-headed G.W. Bush-channeling alien madman, and add a silly white spacesuit, a pair of pet mice, and an inexplicable American accent. Voila, you have Tricia “Trillian” McMillan, the second best thing in the HG2G movie. (The Vogons were the best thing.) If I was the last surviving human, but Trillian was around, I think I’d be okay.

That's not the whole thing, Francis! Read Part Two!

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Friday, November 03, 2006

Kunoindeksu #3

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"Magic: The Gathering"
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Xbox 360

My Gorram Halloween

Kuno is pissedKuno's mood is: reminiscing

Sorry it's been so long since I blogged composed an entry in my web log. I've been busy doing important things.

On Halloween night, I went out with a bunch of people to West Hollywood. Over 500,000 people packed Santa Monica Blvd. between Doheny and La Cienega. It was the place to be if you wanted to see Kevin Federline get booed off stage, or 80's teen sensation Tiffany crowned honorary mayor.

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usI went as Jayne Cobb, the gunslinger/mercenary/crewmember-of-questionable-loyalty from Firefly and Serenity. Which meant, of course, dozens of people asking me why I had a funny knit hat on my head. I bought the "cunnin' hat" on eBay, and the "Fighting Elves" t-shirt from the now-defuct Blue Sun Shirts site. The drop holster and camo pants are from a local army surplus shop.

As we were walking down Santa Monica Boulevard, a strange gay man ran up and gave me a huge bear hug. Turns out he recognized my costume, and had in fact dressed up as Jayne the previous year. Finally, a fellow flan! He asked if I was going to go to Flanvention. Although paying $500 to meet Jewel Staite would be worth every penny, I don't have that much money lying around.

Later, at least 8 more people recognized my costume, which was very cool. I didn't see any other Firefly characters, though. Oh well. Next year, I think I'll go as Shaun of the Dead.

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